What I Meant to Say Wednesday

What is it with me and grocery store checkers?? This is two weeks in a row with two different checkers...**totally sniffing the underarms and checking the teeth**...No, that is not it. She became very frazzeled ringing my groceries, didn't have a bagger, and got all my coupons wrong. Is that it? The coupons? Once she was completed, she said, "Next time when you put the groceries on the belt, maybe you could sort them better so there is less mix-up." Did I just get scolded like a child?
Sheepishly, I say, "uhhh...well...I have never had a problem with it before...I...guess I can...uh, next time."
What I seriously meant to say, in a load intercom-like voice, "Manager! Clean Up On Register Six!!"

What I Meant To Say Wednesday...

To the Soccer girl's parent of the team I coach when he insisted I work on Defense, I said..."Hah...Yeah...Thanks!" What I meant to say was..."Seriously Dude! It is First Grade Soccer! So deal with it!"


To the grocery store checker who scolded me for getting heavy items out of the grocery cart, what I said was..."Hah...Yeah...Okay, thanks." What I meant to say was..."You kinda look more like a Dude when your angry. Just sayin. Maybe get some lip gloss or somethin".


and finally


To the VM Lady on every one's cell phone when she gives me very clear instruction on how to leave a voice mail...Wait...She's not real! Its a boring long recording that I have heard a million times! I would seriously like to know who it is that does not know how to leave a voice mail. Then I could calmly explain it to her for life, then we as a world would never, ever, ever again be instructed in great detail on how to leave a cell phone voice mail...again!!
YIPPEEEE!!!

What I Meant To Say Wednesday-

What I really said to the Red Baron Cardboard Pizza..."I Hate What You Did To Me."
...and what I meant to say was..."I Hate What You Did To Me!!"

What I said to the crying flu/diarrhea baby that kept me up three nights repeatedly in a row..."My poor baby, I know you don't feel well..."
What I meant to say was..."Seriously Kid, One day you will be changing my diapers!"

What I said to the local bank bank teller, "I know it's not your fault, your just the teller...You don't make these silly rules do you??"
What I meant to say..."Seriously Lady Get a New Job Quick Cuz This Wicked Money Stealing Place is Gonna Burn!"

What I said to the nice neighbor that brought a half dozen cookies to us after hearing about the 'dark days' with the flu..."Oh, that is so sweet! The kids will like those!!"
What I meant to say was..."NICE! I am so totally emotional right now and looking forward to eating the whole plate myself!"

What I Meant to Say Wednesday

A couple years ago, my 29+++ birthday my sweet hubby decided that at the last minute he wanted cake to eat after dinner. He said, 'Rheanna, heres a twenty, you should go get us some cake for your birthday.'

What I said was, "Um, yeah...I don't think so, ha..hmmmm...ugh."

What I Meant to Say was, "@#$%*!!!!! You are SO not sending the fat girl to buy her own birthday cake! That is so very pathetic! No Way!!'"

Good Thing I love that man and just so you know, that the next year, he more than made up for it. He is now a birthday specialist.

What I Meant To Say Wednesday-Getting Rid of The Dog

Dogs are like flies in this house. They come...they go. So when this sweet old lady came to see our *uh-hummmm...* darling dog Simba, What I said was, 'Oh he will be a good dog for you. He has a sweet temperament."

What I meant to say was, "Seriously Lady, I will pay you to take this bad mannered, leg lifting dog out of my house, before he violates my child's leg again!!!' Disgusting, smelly and so inappropriate!! I have no patience for it!

Whew! He is gone, gone GONE!!! I am sure since his 'surgery' his bad habits are a thing of the past. Gladly he is in a loving home with a loving and sweet elderly lady that truly deserves a good dog!

Be Good Simba!

What I Meant To Say Wednesday's-Wal Mart Edition

So I was at Wal Mart with my kids...and the neighbor kids. Like as if just having my kids aren't enough???

I told them we would buy a wonderful assortment of candy at the check stand if they were good. IF.

They all pick the super duper sugary goo, you know that comes out of the tubes and hardly meets the FDA standards. I politely say, (you know there are people around) "No way kids! I am not allowing LIQUID SUGAR hype you up while your in my care." I say this just as I am piling up two cases of PEPSI on the belt. Don't judge me. I am pregnant you know, its not for me.

Then there is a voice coming out of this robotic checker that resembles more of a sixteen year old with a totally out of place overgrown Mohawk and body hair coming out of his shirt and needless to say has never met a set of nose trimmers either. Seriously, he was breathing on my groceries! After hearing what I had said about the candy, he replies, "Well, What do ya think that Pepsi is?? Huh! Huh! Huh!" Thinking he is funny.

What I said was "Hmmm... SURE" With that evil eye look that my juvenile kids get when they know they have totally crossed the line.

What I Meant to Say was..."Seriously Chewbacca! Just do your job before I B-SLAP you to the end of your Wal Mart Career! Which is not far, and would not be hard to do!!"

Whew, never dis a pregnant woman with too many kids in Wal Mart dude. OR dud. Not Cool!